Note: This is satirical article
The global coronapsychosis festivity is back. But then again, it never went away. No one in their right minds expected Covid-19 to vanish anyway. At the time of writing, the disempowered citizens of the world are being offered two viral choices: Disease X – where an all-in-one vaccine is being preemptively concocted – or a new variant of the Sars-Cov-2 virus. Initial empirical observations suggest that viruses do behave in accordance with the Hegelian Dialectic.
If we are to believe the experts and The ScienceTM, new coronavirus subvariants are ominously wafting about in our midst – waiting to strike all and sundry, especially poor grandma. The Wall Street Journal warns that “this fall’s covid variant might really be different” and questions whether the current batch of vaccines will be as “safe and effective” as they were during the first rollouts. Besides, aren’t they always “different this time around”?
The alleged new variant has been called “Pirola”. Maybe, this is a personal quirk or failing but Pirola somehow smacks of an Italian car tyre manufacturer or a mutative byproduct arising from cross-contamination between stale semolina in a Wuhan wet market and a Russian dumpling. Nonetheless, get ready for renewed lockdowns, mandatory masking, contact tracing and vaccine mandates. As for grandma, keep a few vials of midazolam ready in order to relieve the collective burdens of our heroic national health authorities. I have been reliably informed that the hospital dance routines will be “different this time around” as well. Grandma would be pleased. This is the way to spend your last hours on earth – in an isolated ward enlivened by a macabre dance and a midazolam tube in your veins.
And don’t worry. If Pirola fails to live up to its Pizzica-like spells, there is another variant floating about to satiate our ever-growing need for life-sapping fear and catatonia.
This variant is called EG.5 or simply “Eris”. A Yale University expert has deduced that Eris may be more transmissible or severe than previous Omicron subvariants. According to the now-established viral genealogy, as a “descendant of Omicron, Eris is already the dominant coronavirus subvariant in the country (i.e., United States), infecting more people than any other single strain”. Now, if that does not warrant new coronavirus restrictions, I do not know what will. It is also time to mandate new booster shots while the all-in-one vaccine is being brewed or baked in some nebulous confectionery. And surprise, the new booster shots are already here! Talk about serendipity…
According to Yale university, Moderna’s new booster shots will “effectively target both the EG.5 and FL 1.5.1 subvariants”. I do not know how EG.5/Eris evolved, morphed or emerged but let me proffer a scientific guess: It was probably the result of some ghoulish viral mating in August – right at a time when Moderna was developing the booster. If you are trying to wrap your feeble minds around this absurdity, just halt your train of thoughts and listen to The ScienceTM.
Maybe Eris emerged not from a microbial evolution; maybe it had to do with climate change; or maybe it was the pathogenic byproduct of white supremacy or homophobia. We just do not know. All that is asked of us is to trust The ScienceTM and obey the new global mandates if and when they are decreed. The World Health Organization and our national lackeys… err leaders… have been primed 24/7 to receive the incoming set of directives from the “global scientific community”.
But how many of you are ready for the next round of the global coronavirus saturnalia?
Dr Mathew Maavak’s research interests include systems science, global risks, geopolitics, foresight and governance. Follow him on Twitter @MathewMaavak or read his latest articles at https://drmathewmaavak.
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