It is time once again to give yet 15 more reasons for escaping from the United Soviet States of Amerika (USSA). The following are utterly absurd happenings in the Empire of which I muse upon from the comfort of a warm climate and peaceable surroundings abroad.
1) Police officers, who once were dignified upholders of the law, shoot people’s pets for fun.
2) The government will take away your newborn baby if you eat a poppy seed bagel, while they at the same time illegally and unethically cultivate 90% of the world’s supply of poppy seed-opium-heroin in Afghanistan.
3) The government will accidentally shoot you for holding a cell phone.
4) The government will imprison you for drawing on the sidewalk with chalk.
5) The government will, like a giant vampire squid, forcibly suck your blood.
6) The government will extort citizens by setting up fake checkpoints.
7) The government will imprison you for sarcasm.
8) The government will imprison you for wearing a t-shirt.
9) The government will chase you out of a convenience store for purchasing sparkling water, smash your car as you flee in trepidation and in lieu of honing up to their pathetic ineptitude and evil, put you in jail.
10) The government will incarcerate you for wearing too much perfume.
11) The government will classify you “terrorist” for complaining about them poisoning your water.
12) The government will record your whole life (i.e. Prism, Bonesaw, etc.).
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13) The government will assassinate its own citizens and journalists for just doing their job (i.e. Michael Hastings).
14) The government will blow up a passenger plane filled with innocent civilians just for the heck of it (i.e. TWA 800).
15) The government will arm Islamic radicals who cut off the heads of Christians.
I was disturbed by the state of society upon my latest incursion into the USSA. When the average citizen forgets the meaning of Memorial Day and does not know why they celebrate Independence Day, I become nauseated and am at a total loss for words.
A new documentary called Captivated sums up a great deal wrong with American society. Additionally, a new study has come out detailing the threat of “digital dementia”. Both demonstrate the unhealthy obsession with television, computers and cell phone media, and how it is essentially dumbing down the average person and neutering the American male. Back in the USSA, I was fidgeting with someone’s home television setup and being that I don’t own a television, I inevitably screwed something up and they threw a fit and nearly had a heart attack.
I recently attended a wedding in the USSA and Americans were watching sports during the banquet instead of giving the event the attention it properly deserved. Some told me of their plans to Escape from Amerika. Others applauded with admiration my successful exile. Still others rambled incoherently.
Events surrounding the Fourth of July celebration in Boston ultimately sum everything up with a large dose of irony, so I don’t have to. The government has instilled the public with fear and prohibited them from freely celebrating freedom. Why even bother? The goose is cooked and the frog is boiled. Cryptohippie’s Paul Rosenberg recently gave a few great reasons to stop caring about politics: it’s time consuming and doesn’t change much.
Whether deciding to stay or flee, Americans can learn much from the lesson of the fig tree, which Jesus used as a parable to forecast his second coming. “From the fig tree learn its lesson: as soon as its branch becomes tender and puts out its leaves, you know that summer is near. So also, when you see all these things, you know that he is near, at the very gates.”