“The Colony”: “Survivor” meets the apocalypse

Oh yeah, we probably won’t have any electricity or TV reception. But there’ll be plenty of other things to look forward to, like setting our favorite furniture on fire just to boil drinking water, or tirelessly working to create an ant-free perimeter around our dilapidated huts, or teaching our dogs to catch squirrels and bring them back, maimed but not eaten.

I can really see myself thriving under apocalyptic conditions. I bet I’ll have a great attitude about the whole thing! I bet I’ll get really creative with maimed-squirrel cuisine, and people will come from blocks around just to sample my Squirrel Cacciatore …

And to club me over the head with a bat, steal all of my food and water, and kill and eat my two dogs. That’s the one thing about the apocalypse I’m not looking forward to: getting murdered by my hungry next-door neighbors.

If you, too, have found yourself daydreaming about the apocalypse — and Christ, who hasn’t? — you may want to catch up with Discovery’s “The Colony” (10 p.m. Tuesdays ), a truly bizarre reality experiment that attempts to re-create all of the thrills and spills of the post-apocalyptic experience. Sadly, instead of the lighthearted romp you’d expect, “The Colony” may be the single bleakest reality show ever. We’re talking about the fallout of a global pandemic and the end of life on Earth as we know it — so where are all the laughs? And unlike other reality shows, no one mouths off or cheers each other on or sings moving renditions of “And I Am Telling You,” or even solves gigantic puzzles. No. “The Colony” is to “Survivor” what “The Shining” is to “The Sound of Music.”